Want to Explain "Turn my Arms into Wings" This is 2005/ also another chapter

Hi everyone!!!

Thank you for taking the time out to visit my spot. Thank you for reading. (sighing) I am grateful.

This project means the world to me. Writing "This is 2005" was one of the best experiences in my life. It took a lot out of me, but I did it. (laughing)
People ask me why do I want the world in my business. You know what, I have always been an open person. I would share my most inmate moments, if it will help someone. So, it doesn't really matter. I always said if I wrote a book about my life it will be a best seller. (laughing)

So let me explain;

I was deeply hurt in 2005 due to a break up. It caused me to fall into a deep depression, several suicide attempts, nearly losing my job, nearly being admitted into a psychiatric building, losing my soul; and in the end getting closer to God and loving myself.
The book sounds just like me. I want the reader to feel my pain. I want the reader to envision every scene i went through. I want the reader to forget about their problem and look at mine. I want the reader to learn from me; my mistakes. I want their to be a connection.
When I was going through my drama, I felt no one knew what I was going through.
The book also includes my family, well my mother and grandmother. My mother is the only person that knew the extent of my drama


But in the end I learned. I swear to you, I learned. Every time someone comes to me with tears in their eyes confessing their problems, I inform them of what I went through. Their tears began to swell again and the person hugs me. ( laughing)
So I think it's time to share my story. Well, the year of 2005, when my whole life changed.



My first blog, is a part of a chapter that is in the book. I just skimmed through the story and picked it out.

Basically to sum things up a little. The guy left me and is now involved with a lady from his job (a Hispanic woman) and he is also talking to the girl at my school, which I found out. That is blog number one.



Now blog number two, which will be my last upload , is another part of a chapter in the book. I think this part is somewhere in the middle also. It's needs to be edited and re-arrange a little, but I'll do that later.

HER is the girl he is seeing. He is the guy.

The book is almost complete and I wanted to share a couple of excerpts from it. Please make a comment on the blog, not facebook; or both would be good.

I hope you guys enjoy and look out for "Turn my Arms into wings. This is 2005".

Before I forget; My great friend Delilah Cummings is also working on her first fiction novel "Brooklyn". Her blog should and will be uploaded soon, with some of her excerpts. She is also working on her clothing line Popcorn Label. She is into everything. Please look out and support my girl. Visit her site - http://www.popcornlabelinc.com/ Her style is phenomenal .



Without further delay.

STARTS



The next couple of days I didn’t hear anything from HIM. I was losing my mind. I didn’t feel like going to work this particular day. I needed a break from life, from everything. But I got up out of bed and got ready for work.


On my commute to work, I rode the A train.

On the train I seen an attractive Hispanic woman. I started to stare at her. I thought about HER, and how SHE ruined my life. I started to throw daggers at the Hispanic woman sitting across from me. You know when you are on a relaxing ride, and you feel someone on the side of your face staring at you. Well I think she felt that, because she looked at me. Someone in their right mind would have quickly caught themselves and turned around, not me. I rolled my eyes so hard, her head snapped back like, “No she didn’t.” yes, I did. The anger I had for Hispanics started to grow. I hated them. But at the same time I wanted to be them.
After I rolled my eyes, I turned my head. Tears started to stream down my face. I couldn’t hold the tears in. The passengers on the train started to take notice of my tears. I tried to quickly wipe them away, but when one stream was wiped off, another stream would follow. The lady next to me tapped me and asked me if I was okay. I told her yes and kept crying peacefully to myself.


Once I arrived at work, I sat by the break area, to collect my thoughts before my shift started. I felt like the world was closing in on me. It felt like I was going crazy. Something in my head told me to call HIS cell phone and listen to HIS voicemail. Something in my stomach told me not to, but I wanted to be nosy. I walked over to my coat and grabbed my phone and started to dial HIS number; Blocked of course. His voicemail came on, thank God. I typed in the password and the first message played. It was HER. By this time I already knew her phone number, because I heard the previous voice messages. The number was stated first and then her voice would follow. She stated how much SHE missed HIM and couldn’t wait to see HIM. The next message was her again. She wanted to know why HE wasn’t at work yet.

From what I can remember he had several saved messages from HER. He did not have one saved message from me. I know I called him during this time span and left HIM several messages.

Now this is where I went crazy. I started to think; He kept all of HER messages, and erased all of mine. It’s now staring to become clear that they are really together. I have no hope.
I hung up the phone and started to cry in the coat area. I needed to speak to some one. I called my grandmother.
My grandmother is one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother took the place of my father when he didn’t want to be there anymore. I love my grandmother she has done many wonderful things for me. My grandmother has such a major influence in my life.

Whenever I’m feeling down, I know I can call her and I’ll feel much better.


“ Hello.” She said.
“Gangga, I feel like I’m dying. Why does life have to be so hard?” I call my grandmother Gangga, because when I was a baby, I could not pronounce grandma. So it stuck. Plus, she likes it. She said, it makes her sound young (smiling).
“What happen? Why you sound like that?”
“Life is too hard. (I started to cry) I need to get away. I want to runaway. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Just calm down. Are you at work?”
“Yes.” I said.
“Okay just calm down. When you get off of work, come to my house.”
She wasn’t saying anything that I wanted to hear. Honestly I didn’t know what I wanted to hear. I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away. This man has ruined me. The more I thought about Him, the more upset I got.
“Gangga let me go. I’ll see about stopping by. I have to go.”
“Wait, don’t do anything irrational.”

“I have to go.” I said.
“I love you.” She said.


I hung up the phone. I felt hopeless. I need to get out. I looked around and remembered I am at work. I can’t go anywhere. I need the money. I started to break down. All of a sudden I am spread out across the floor crying, crying my eyes out. I didn’t care who heard me. I couldn’t take it anymore. While I’m going through my moment, thoughts of suicide came to mind. I didn’t want to live on this earth anymore. I couldn’t live with Him being with Her.

I was just getting ready to get up and go to the bathroom to weigh my options of suicide. I opened my eyes and my co worker appeared. This was a sign from God.

He looked shocked. I never cried at work. I never showed any emotions. I always put up a brick wall. He hurried over to me and picked me up from the floor. I was still crying my eyes out. He didn’t ask me anything. I pleaded to him; “Why”. He said, and I will always remember this; “Baby girl, when it rains, it pours.” ( I’m starting to cry right now, typing this. My eyes are starting to get blurry. This is bringing back so many memories.)

I told him; “but it’s killing me. Look at me.” He sat me up on a chair and pushed my hair back. I asked him, “do you think I’m going to get better?” I looked so vulnerable. I never looked or felt like that in my life. He said, “ yes”.

I just stared at him. Hell, maybe if we were in a different environment, he may have gotten lucky with me, but that wouldn’t be the right thing. He wiped my tears and told me to get ready to go on the floor. I straighten out my uniform and went to work. But first I had to run back and give him the biggest hug that my arms could bare. I told him thank you and I walked off.
An hour went by and my supervisor informed my that I had a phone call on line one. I wondered who it could have been. I picked up the line.


“Thank you for holding.”
“Ray, what is going on?” My mother said.
“With what?”
“Gangga told me you want to run away, and you was also hinting suicide.” She said.
“What?” My grandmother is such a drama queen. I didn’t say that. She always blows things out proportion. “I didn’t say that, and so what if I did. I want everyone to leave me alone.” I started to cry.
“Ray I love you. Please don’t do this. I need you.”
“What about me. Does anyone care what I need?”
“Yes I care. Please don’t do this. I just got off the phone with a psychiatrist. They want to see you.” She said
“What. I can’t believe you. You think I’m crazy. You know what I’m not coming home. I want you to leave me alone.”
I heard crying on the other end. “I think you need help.”
“You know what mom, this conversation is over. I’m done” I said and hung up.
I can’t believe she would call a psychiatrist on me. Am I crazy? Shit come to think of it, yeah, for him.
I received a buzz again from my supervisor. She informed me that I have another phone call. I hope it is not my mother again.
“Thank you for holding.”
“What the hell are you doing?” He said. It was HIM.
“What are you talking about?”
“Your mother just called me cursing me out.
Oh my god. “What did she say?” I’m going to kill her.


“She said I’m making you go crazy. She said, you want to run away and commit suicide. She said if anything happened to her daughter it’s going to be my fault. She asked me, what I am telling you. She was going off.”
I couldn’t believe my mother, but at the same time, I’m her only child. I could understand. I realized that my actions are hurting my mother. Not only is this man hurting me, but it’s also hurting my family. Something in my head clicked. You know what that means.
“Look don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Worry about your fat ass woman. Now, you want to call me up and ask me what’s going on, the nerve. I hate you. I wish I never meant you. I wish I would’ve have cheated on you (Keyisha Cole). I wish you and your girl could disappear.” I said a couple more foul words. I was fuming. After I said what I had to say, I hung up the phone on him. Big improvement.





That's it guys. I had to stop there. Thank you.

My first upload - India

On this one particular evening, I played His voicemail, I remember this evening so well; the message stated, “Hi baby, it’s India. I wanted to know if you wanted to hangout or something. I’m in your area. Call me when you get a chance.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. I had to replay that message again. I kept thinking, I know that girl, India. She sounded like the girl from my school.
How ironic, the girl has the same name as the girl in my school and the same voice. It has to be her. I couldn’t believe it.

Let me explain; India is this girl that I went to college with. I never really was a hug fan of her. I can’t remember why, I think it was because of a comment she made, I think pertaining to my mom selling Avon. Something of that sort and I confronted her about that comment and since then we never really spoke. I told Him about that encounter with the girl when it happened. He said, the girl was corny, pay her no mind. We were together at that time, when the encounter happened. A few weeks later a restaurant opens in Times Square and He applied for the job and was hired. You would never believe it, India also got hired at the same location. He asked me if I knew someone name India, and I said yes. I told Him I know her from the school. That’s the girl that made that comment. He said okay, the girl works with him. Now you know, it’s a small world.

Now back to the original dilemma. India’s voice is on His voicemail. This man has the nerve to associate with this girl, knowing I don’t like her. That’s like next to the number one rule of relationships, alright maybe number 5. I know it’s an important rule. You are not suppose to even look at the girl. Shit, be in the same room as the broad (pardon my French. I’m getting a flashback). She has the audacity to talk to Him, knowing we don’t like each other. Well I didn’t like her. I started flipping out. Thoughts ran threw my head. How long has this been going on. I was in total shock.
All of a sudden I ran to my mother and told her what I heard. I fell on her bedroom floor crying. I was spread across the floor sobbing. I couldn’t believe this. My mom looked at me like I had two heads.
“Wait, what happen? Get up! Get up!” She screamed.

“I can’t. How could He do this to me?”

“What the hell happened?”

I guess she couldn’t hear me through the sobbing. You know when you are crying and you get a little hiccup. Yeah, I was crying hard.

“The girl on his voicemail is the girl that I don’t like. She goes to my school. Don’t you remember, when I told you about some girl in my school, that I’m not a big fan of? Remember? You said she was envious and to watch myself. (she nodded) She called His phone and left him a voicemail.” I cried. I couldn’t explain it how I wanted to, I just played the voicemail for her.
Hearing it again, I began to sob harder. I couldn’t believe this. This is the ultimate slap in the face.

My mom bended down to pick me up; I kept falling to the floor, sobbing.

“Mom help me. Why?” I cried.
I crawled down the hallway crying uncontrollably. I spread my body out at the end of the hallway. My mother was following me the whole way. She finally bended down again and patted my back.

Calm down. Maybe He can explain.”

“No, He can’t.” I cried. I cried harder and harder. My mom rose up from the floor, and shouted;
“Get up! Get dress! We are going to His house. I’m going to beat His ass! Get up!” She yelled.
Her yelling startled me. I looked up at her like she was crazy.

“Wait, what?” I said. My sobbing eased up a little.

“I said, Get up! I’m tried of this shit. I had enough. I’m going to His house to beat His ass.”
She started walking to her bedroom. She grabbed her pants. I followed her to her room.

“Okay, mom. Wait.” I started to wipe my tears. “Hold up. We don’t have to go. Don’t worry I’m fine.” I said. I was scared. My mom is crazy, she would fight anyone. Men, women, animals, you name it.

“Are you sure?” She turned around and looked at me. “I’m tried of this.” He’s going to explain something to me.”

“Yes, I’m sure.” I said.

The last thing I wanted is for my mom to get all caught up in my mess.
“Alright now, I’m going to leave it alone.” She said, while she unzipped her pants.
“
Okay, mom, thank you for your concern.” I said, while I walked away. She started mumbling and talking to her self about the situation.
I still felt bad. I kept thinking. I did not know what I did to deserve this. I had to speak to Him about this.
I walked to my room and just laid down on my bed for a few minutes. I needed to rest my brain for a little while. A couple minutes went by, and I started to think about how I was going to approach Him. I didn’t want Him to know I was checking His voicemail. I needed His voicemail. I wanted to know what was going on with Him. Who He was speaking to, and hanging out with, so I had to be discreet. I decided that I was going to say that I heard it from her friend. This was false, but….
I grabbed the cordless phone and dialed His number.
“Hello.” He said

“So I heard that you and India, the girl from my school talk.”

“What, whatever. I don’t have time for this.”

“Be honest.” I said

“Who told you that?” He said.

“No I asked you a question first.” I have this thing, that when I ask you a question an answer
should follow. Am I Right or Wrong? There is no such thing as a person asking a question and the next person asking another question. It’s question, answer. “In America a basic conversation is question and answer. I asked you a question; you are obligated to give me an answer.” I said.

I heard a pause. Damn I think I went too far, but it’s the truth.
“What! This is one of the problems. You do not know how to speak to people. You speak to people, like they are beneath you. I don’t have to answer your question. I don’t have to answer my phone.”

“I do not think people are beneath me. But I’m asking you a question. I can’t believe you are associating with the girl I don’t like. I told you about what happen. You know what you are a foul person. ( I was getting furious) I would have never done that to you. You have no respect for me as a person, or as a woman.”

“What are you saying? There’s nothing going on between India and I. We are just friends. Now who told you that?” He said.

I breathed a sigh of relief. If the man was lying, I couldn’t do anything about it. But right now he’s telling me that there’s nothing going on, so I can accept that. I can put aside one of the important rules to a relationship. I was willing to put aside morals and my opinions for Him. I wanted to keep Him by any means necessary.

“Her friend told me.” I said.

“Her friend?”

“Yes. That’s why it seems fishy. Why would she tell her friend about it if it wasn’t serious?”

“I don’t know.” He said.
We paused again. I started to think, about HER. Maybe they weren’t that serious, or were they.

“Okay well, I’ll speak to you later.” He said.
Damn I didn’t want to get off the phone.

“Okay bye.” I said
I really didn’t know what to think. It started to become more confusing.
I called one of my closet friends at school and told her what happen. She was upset and ready to fight. I asked her if I should confront her on Monday at school. I don’t really remember her accurate response, but I know one thing, I was going to anyway.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I was anxious and at the same time I was hurt. I can’t believe in a million years I would be in this situation. I would have never thought this would happen to me. I don’t know if I thought I was some immortal human, but I got it twisted.