Want to Explain "Turn my Arms into Wings" This is 2005/ also another chapter

Hi everyone!!!

Thank you for taking the time out to visit my spot. Thank you for reading. (sighing) I am grateful.

This project means the world to me. Writing "This is 2005" was one of the best experiences in my life. It took a lot out of me, but I did it. (laughing)
People ask me why do I want the world in my business. You know what, I have always been an open person. I would share my most inmate moments, if it will help someone. So, it doesn't really matter. I always said if I wrote a book about my life it will be a best seller. (laughing)

So let me explain;

I was deeply hurt in 2005 due to a break up. It caused me to fall into a deep depression, several suicide attempts, nearly losing my job, nearly being admitted into a psychiatric building, losing my soul; and in the end getting closer to God and loving myself.
The book sounds just like me. I want the reader to feel my pain. I want the reader to envision every scene i went through. I want the reader to forget about their problem and look at mine. I want the reader to learn from me; my mistakes. I want their to be a connection.
When I was going through my drama, I felt no one knew what I was going through.
The book also includes my family, well my mother and grandmother. My mother is the only person that knew the extent of my drama


But in the end I learned. I swear to you, I learned. Every time someone comes to me with tears in their eyes confessing their problems, I inform them of what I went through. Their tears began to swell again and the person hugs me. ( laughing)
So I think it's time to share my story. Well, the year of 2005, when my whole life changed.



My first blog, is a part of a chapter that is in the book. I just skimmed through the story and picked it out.

Basically to sum things up a little. The guy left me and is now involved with a lady from his job (a Hispanic woman) and he is also talking to the girl at my school, which I found out. That is blog number one.



Now blog number two, which will be my last upload , is another part of a chapter in the book. I think this part is somewhere in the middle also. It's needs to be edited and re-arrange a little, but I'll do that later.

HER is the girl he is seeing. He is the guy.

The book is almost complete and I wanted to share a couple of excerpts from it. Please make a comment on the blog, not facebook; or both would be good.

I hope you guys enjoy and look out for "Turn my Arms into wings. This is 2005".

Before I forget; My great friend Delilah Cummings is also working on her first fiction novel "Brooklyn". Her blog should and will be uploaded soon, with some of her excerpts. She is also working on her clothing line Popcorn Label. She is into everything. Please look out and support my girl. Visit her site - http://www.popcornlabelinc.com/ Her style is phenomenal .



Without further delay.

STARTS



The next couple of days I didn’t hear anything from HIM. I was losing my mind. I didn’t feel like going to work this particular day. I needed a break from life, from everything. But I got up out of bed and got ready for work.


On my commute to work, I rode the A train.

On the train I seen an attractive Hispanic woman. I started to stare at her. I thought about HER, and how SHE ruined my life. I started to throw daggers at the Hispanic woman sitting across from me. You know when you are on a relaxing ride, and you feel someone on the side of your face staring at you. Well I think she felt that, because she looked at me. Someone in their right mind would have quickly caught themselves and turned around, not me. I rolled my eyes so hard, her head snapped back like, “No she didn’t.” yes, I did. The anger I had for Hispanics started to grow. I hated them. But at the same time I wanted to be them.
After I rolled my eyes, I turned my head. Tears started to stream down my face. I couldn’t hold the tears in. The passengers on the train started to take notice of my tears. I tried to quickly wipe them away, but when one stream was wiped off, another stream would follow. The lady next to me tapped me and asked me if I was okay. I told her yes and kept crying peacefully to myself.


Once I arrived at work, I sat by the break area, to collect my thoughts before my shift started. I felt like the world was closing in on me. It felt like I was going crazy. Something in my head told me to call HIS cell phone and listen to HIS voicemail. Something in my stomach told me not to, but I wanted to be nosy. I walked over to my coat and grabbed my phone and started to dial HIS number; Blocked of course. His voicemail came on, thank God. I typed in the password and the first message played. It was HER. By this time I already knew her phone number, because I heard the previous voice messages. The number was stated first and then her voice would follow. She stated how much SHE missed HIM and couldn’t wait to see HIM. The next message was her again. She wanted to know why HE wasn’t at work yet.

From what I can remember he had several saved messages from HER. He did not have one saved message from me. I know I called him during this time span and left HIM several messages.

Now this is where I went crazy. I started to think; He kept all of HER messages, and erased all of mine. It’s now staring to become clear that they are really together. I have no hope.
I hung up the phone and started to cry in the coat area. I needed to speak to some one. I called my grandmother.
My grandmother is one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother took the place of my father when he didn’t want to be there anymore. I love my grandmother she has done many wonderful things for me. My grandmother has such a major influence in my life.

Whenever I’m feeling down, I know I can call her and I’ll feel much better.


“ Hello.” She said.
“Gangga, I feel like I’m dying. Why does life have to be so hard?” I call my grandmother Gangga, because when I was a baby, I could not pronounce grandma. So it stuck. Plus, she likes it. She said, it makes her sound young (smiling).
“What happen? Why you sound like that?”
“Life is too hard. (I started to cry) I need to get away. I want to runaway. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Just calm down. Are you at work?”
“Yes.” I said.
“Okay just calm down. When you get off of work, come to my house.”
She wasn’t saying anything that I wanted to hear. Honestly I didn’t know what I wanted to hear. I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away. This man has ruined me. The more I thought about Him, the more upset I got.
“Gangga let me go. I’ll see about stopping by. I have to go.”
“Wait, don’t do anything irrational.”

“I have to go.” I said.
“I love you.” She said.


I hung up the phone. I felt hopeless. I need to get out. I looked around and remembered I am at work. I can’t go anywhere. I need the money. I started to break down. All of a sudden I am spread out across the floor crying, crying my eyes out. I didn’t care who heard me. I couldn’t take it anymore. While I’m going through my moment, thoughts of suicide came to mind. I didn’t want to live on this earth anymore. I couldn’t live with Him being with Her.

I was just getting ready to get up and go to the bathroom to weigh my options of suicide. I opened my eyes and my co worker appeared. This was a sign from God.

He looked shocked. I never cried at work. I never showed any emotions. I always put up a brick wall. He hurried over to me and picked me up from the floor. I was still crying my eyes out. He didn’t ask me anything. I pleaded to him; “Why”. He said, and I will always remember this; “Baby girl, when it rains, it pours.” ( I’m starting to cry right now, typing this. My eyes are starting to get blurry. This is bringing back so many memories.)

I told him; “but it’s killing me. Look at me.” He sat me up on a chair and pushed my hair back. I asked him, “do you think I’m going to get better?” I looked so vulnerable. I never looked or felt like that in my life. He said, “ yes”.

I just stared at him. Hell, maybe if we were in a different environment, he may have gotten lucky with me, but that wouldn’t be the right thing. He wiped my tears and told me to get ready to go on the floor. I straighten out my uniform and went to work. But first I had to run back and give him the biggest hug that my arms could bare. I told him thank you and I walked off.
An hour went by and my supervisor informed my that I had a phone call on line one. I wondered who it could have been. I picked up the line.


“Thank you for holding.”
“Ray, what is going on?” My mother said.
“With what?”
“Gangga told me you want to run away, and you was also hinting suicide.” She said.
“What?” My grandmother is such a drama queen. I didn’t say that. She always blows things out proportion. “I didn’t say that, and so what if I did. I want everyone to leave me alone.” I started to cry.
“Ray I love you. Please don’t do this. I need you.”
“What about me. Does anyone care what I need?”
“Yes I care. Please don’t do this. I just got off the phone with a psychiatrist. They want to see you.” She said
“What. I can’t believe you. You think I’m crazy. You know what I’m not coming home. I want you to leave me alone.”
I heard crying on the other end. “I think you need help.”
“You know what mom, this conversation is over. I’m done” I said and hung up.
I can’t believe she would call a psychiatrist on me. Am I crazy? Shit come to think of it, yeah, for him.
I received a buzz again from my supervisor. She informed me that I have another phone call. I hope it is not my mother again.
“Thank you for holding.”
“What the hell are you doing?” He said. It was HIM.
“What are you talking about?”
“Your mother just called me cursing me out.
Oh my god. “What did she say?” I’m going to kill her.


“She said I’m making you go crazy. She said, you want to run away and commit suicide. She said if anything happened to her daughter it’s going to be my fault. She asked me, what I am telling you. She was going off.”
I couldn’t believe my mother, but at the same time, I’m her only child. I could understand. I realized that my actions are hurting my mother. Not only is this man hurting me, but it’s also hurting my family. Something in my head clicked. You know what that means.
“Look don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Worry about your fat ass woman. Now, you want to call me up and ask me what’s going on, the nerve. I hate you. I wish I never meant you. I wish I would’ve have cheated on you (Keyisha Cole). I wish you and your girl could disappear.” I said a couple more foul words. I was fuming. After I said what I had to say, I hung up the phone on him. Big improvement.





That's it guys. I had to stop there. Thank you.