You know, I have to remember my self-teachings, well life's teachings. When the storm is approaching or when life situations starts to go left; I have to remember, that's life. There are going to be obstacles but you have to remember you are going to conquer it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it is hard to maintain your composure and you may think you are about to lose it; just breathe and take ten minutes. Attempt to remember that this is life. There are going to be good times, bad times and in between times; you just have to hang on to the ride. Everyone will have their time to experience all aspects of life. Now, when a trying time is approaching, i'm like, Oh Lord grant me favor and give me strength to hang on; and on my life it works. I give all my worries to God and keep it pushing. Regardless of what it is going to be what it is. So, you know me, I don't have time. I would love to elaborate, but I am tired of thinking and editing this post. lol I'm going to have to come back another time. OMG!!! Let me push myself. I need to post an updated blog. Okay, so going back to me remember my self-teachings, I mean life teachings. You know what, I can't do it. I'm going to have to come back, because my thoughts aren't even together. Let me not embarrass myself. Ten Thousand Tongues will never be enough.

This thought just popped in my head. lol

I am sorry; I have to share this. I don't know why this story entered my head, but I am going to share this. So, I remember an ex boyfriend I was dealing wit; and let me just put this out there, it was the worse relationship I ever had. I can't even try to cover it up. It was the worse. Anywho, I remember he got upset for something. I'm sure it was a petty reason, something. I remember him stating something along the lines of; yeah you're skinny who is going to want you. I just looked at him and started to laugh. He was dead serious attempting to hand me that diss. Ha, a supposedly diss. Let me tell you; if I wasn't secure in my body, in my thoughts and in my life, that comment could have gotten to me. It may have gave me a little bruise. No, not a bruise maybe a little irritation on the surface. But continuing on, I laughed and looked at him and said, "everyone wants me including yourself. That's why you're here. Who wants your big, black and ugly self?!" I know that was wrong to say but come on; I needed him to looked shocked. He started going on but honestly it's a blur. I just shut him down with a raggedy comment and that fool was lost for words. My point is, it's funny how a person that supposedly love you, that claims to love you, gives out negative comments to bring you down. Since their self-esteem is low they want someone else to share that pain. They want someone else to hurt. That is crazy to me. How I interpret that kind of behavior is that, that person never really loved me. Love does not hurt. I refuse to give anyone that power to ever influence me to look down at myself. Never!! A person that claims to love me will never think about attempting to bring me down. People who love you will never think to bring you down with their words or action. Think about it. It took me a long time, over twenty years to be comfortable and content in my own skin. People will only do what you allow them to do.

It's been super long

Sighes... I am finally back on. I am extremely grateful to God. It says, my last post was in 2012. Sighes... I cannot believe it's been that long. I have to make an effort to post. I have to take this serious. I want to open this post with my evolution. Since 2012, I have grown and I have evolved. I love me some God. I love me some Jesus. I love me. It took me so long to get to this point. Ever since my relationship with God has grown, my thought process is different; my walk is different; my speech is different. My faith has grown stronger. I let God take control. I do not worry about a thing. First and foremost, it doesn't make sense to worry, it is going to be what it is anyway; so, I just pray for strength. Recently, I have been hearing people say that I am such a positive person. When they speak to me, they can get a good conversation. lol As of late, that is exactly what I want to hear. I want to be positive. I enjoy positive conversations. I get excited when I talk about ways to better our future. #justsaying I am going to end this post, because I am struggling. Maybe I will come back and edit later on, but I am stuck. I think my words are starting to make no sense. lol Let me end it with this..... ten thousand tongues will never be enough.

Thoughts

What is the difference between being disappointed and being hurt? I know they go hand in hand, but there's a distinct difference. To me, being disapointed is expecting something,or someone and its not turning out the way you anticipated. To be hurt, is a feeling that is unexpected. mmmmmm it's like an unexpected pain; It's like you didn't expect to catch him cheating. You didn't expect to get hurt. I had this thought on my mind, and it kept replaying in my head. I just wish at times, people would think things through. I wish people would think about the other person before excuting an action. I wish people could live in harmony. But that would make life perfect. That would make being IN-LOVE an everlasting bond.

My New found Knowledge- Another upload

I know I stated I was not going to upload anymore of the book, but it's moving like snails to get published. Another important factor is people are requesting more uploads, which I'am extremely grateful for.

So without further delay, this is another upload.
Recently I was going through a little drama, and felt down. I referred back to "This is 2005", and found this chapter. It helped me alot. So, I think this one, should be a good one.

This chapter is towards the end of the book. I finally seen the light.





I remember this day, like it happened a second ago.

I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face. I felt rejuvenated. A weird feeling came over me. I felt like I didn’t need HIM. That morning, I sat down and thought about everything I went through that year, which was 2005. I felt like, Christmas really broke the camel’s back. I realized, I need to put my needs, wants and concerns first.
God is an awesome God. I realized God loves me. I wasted my time praying for this man to come back to me. When the person I should have been praying for is me. I should have never prayed for a man to come back to me. If the man really wants to be with me, He will come back.
I realized I have to love myself first to receive love from someone else.
I realized I do not want to be the victim anymore.

I walked to the bathroom with all this new found knowledge about life and myself. I stood in the mirror and smiled. This was the first time I genuinely smiled to myself. I removed my t-shirt. I un-strapped my bra and pulled it off my arms. I pulled down my underwear. I stood in front of the mirror completely naked. I looked down at my body parts and touch each part of my body. I looked in the mirror and said, “ I love me.” Tears started pouring from my eyes. I love my small breast. I embrace it. I love my skin color. I embrace it. I love my hair; length, and texture. I embrace it. I love that I have no butt. Well, that could be fixed. Maybe I’ll get one in due time. But, I will embrace it. I love me. I was crying uncontrollably. I screamed, “Thank you Lord.” I was crying because, I believed it. It felt extremely good to say it, think it and believe it. I realized if you don’t like it, change it. We have access to all this wonderful new technology, that we can take advantage of, a little costly, but hey. But for the most part, embrace it. It’s going to be here for a while.

I played Fantasia Barrino’s first album Free yourself, that entire year. She always professed that she was tired. I would say to myself, “damn, she is always tired.” I felt the same way. I was tired. You will know when you are tired of something. A man, a job, family, whatever it is, you will definitely know.
We always say we are not going to call the person, or we not going to associate with the person anymore, then ten minutes later we are calling the person. Trust me; I cannot emphasis this enough, you will definitely know, when you are tired. A feeling of relief invades your body. Your heart, mind and soul, is singing in harmony, “I’m tired”. I smiled at that feeling and let it go. I know how much I am worth.
I realized, I didn’t want HIM anymore. I wanted to be on my own. I think now, I have to find myself; you see how the tables turn. I wrapped my arms around my body and tried to hug myself. This poor little body, been through a lot. I felt sorry for myself. The only person, I need is God.

What does the title mean?

What does "Turn my Arms into Wings" mean? Why did I pick that title?

Mmmm ever since I can remember, going back to my childhood. I always had a deep admiration for birds. I envied how they can pick up and leave at any moment and time, good times or bad times.

When my mother would discipline me, I would close my eyes and wish I could fly away.
At school, when I would get teased for being skinny, I would close my eyes and I wish I could fly away. Anytime I wanted to escape, I would envisioned me flying away to a different atmosphere/environment, please, a new world. Mars, are you there? (laughing)

The year of 2005 was no exception. One day I took it as far as going to my balcony and contemplating whether I should try.
One day I stared at the window with tears in my eyes. I wanted to escape the drama once again. I looked up into the sky. I tried to part the clouds. I wanted to find God. I needed to see a reflection, anything that resembled him, a spirit; just anything to show me someone is listening. I closed my eyes after I felt someone can hear me and I said out loud "Turn my Arms into Wings." I pleaded "if you love me, you would do this for me. If you love me you would rid me of this pain."

"This is 2005" came about for that year. That is self explanatory.

Want to Explain "Turn my Arms into Wings" This is 2005/ also another chapter

Hi everyone!!!

Thank you for taking the time out to visit my spot. Thank you for reading. (sighing) I am grateful.

This project means the world to me. Writing "This is 2005" was one of the best experiences in my life. It took a lot out of me, but I did it. (laughing)
People ask me why do I want the world in my business. You know what, I have always been an open person. I would share my most inmate moments, if it will help someone. So, it doesn't really matter. I always said if I wrote a book about my life it will be a best seller. (laughing)

So let me explain;

I was deeply hurt in 2005 due to a break up. It caused me to fall into a deep depression, several suicide attempts, nearly losing my job, nearly being admitted into a psychiatric building, losing my soul; and in the end getting closer to God and loving myself.
The book sounds just like me. I want the reader to feel my pain. I want the reader to envision every scene i went through. I want the reader to forget about their problem and look at mine. I want the reader to learn from me; my mistakes. I want their to be a connection.
When I was going through my drama, I felt no one knew what I was going through.
The book also includes my family, well my mother and grandmother. My mother is the only person that knew the extent of my drama


But in the end I learned. I swear to you, I learned. Every time someone comes to me with tears in their eyes confessing their problems, I inform them of what I went through. Their tears began to swell again and the person hugs me. ( laughing)
So I think it's time to share my story. Well, the year of 2005, when my whole life changed.



My first blog, is a part of a chapter that is in the book. I just skimmed through the story and picked it out.

Basically to sum things up a little. The guy left me and is now involved with a lady from his job (a Hispanic woman) and he is also talking to the girl at my school, which I found out. That is blog number one.



Now blog number two, which will be my last upload , is another part of a chapter in the book. I think this part is somewhere in the middle also. It's needs to be edited and re-arrange a little, but I'll do that later.

HER is the girl he is seeing. He is the guy.

The book is almost complete and I wanted to share a couple of excerpts from it. Please make a comment on the blog, not facebook; or both would be good.

I hope you guys enjoy and look out for "Turn my Arms into wings. This is 2005".

Before I forget; My great friend Delilah Cummings is also working on her first fiction novel "Brooklyn". Her blog should and will be uploaded soon, with some of her excerpts. She is also working on her clothing line Popcorn Label. She is into everything. Please look out and support my girl. Visit her site - http://www.popcornlabelinc.com/ Her style is phenomenal .



Without further delay.

STARTS



The next couple of days I didn’t hear anything from HIM. I was losing my mind. I didn’t feel like going to work this particular day. I needed a break from life, from everything. But I got up out of bed and got ready for work.


On my commute to work, I rode the A train.

On the train I seen an attractive Hispanic woman. I started to stare at her. I thought about HER, and how SHE ruined my life. I started to throw daggers at the Hispanic woman sitting across from me. You know when you are on a relaxing ride, and you feel someone on the side of your face staring at you. Well I think she felt that, because she looked at me. Someone in their right mind would have quickly caught themselves and turned around, not me. I rolled my eyes so hard, her head snapped back like, “No she didn’t.” yes, I did. The anger I had for Hispanics started to grow. I hated them. But at the same time I wanted to be them.
After I rolled my eyes, I turned my head. Tears started to stream down my face. I couldn’t hold the tears in. The passengers on the train started to take notice of my tears. I tried to quickly wipe them away, but when one stream was wiped off, another stream would follow. The lady next to me tapped me and asked me if I was okay. I told her yes and kept crying peacefully to myself.


Once I arrived at work, I sat by the break area, to collect my thoughts before my shift started. I felt like the world was closing in on me. It felt like I was going crazy. Something in my head told me to call HIS cell phone and listen to HIS voicemail. Something in my stomach told me not to, but I wanted to be nosy. I walked over to my coat and grabbed my phone and started to dial HIS number; Blocked of course. His voicemail came on, thank God. I typed in the password and the first message played. It was HER. By this time I already knew her phone number, because I heard the previous voice messages. The number was stated first and then her voice would follow. She stated how much SHE missed HIM and couldn’t wait to see HIM. The next message was her again. She wanted to know why HE wasn’t at work yet.

From what I can remember he had several saved messages from HER. He did not have one saved message from me. I know I called him during this time span and left HIM several messages.

Now this is where I went crazy. I started to think; He kept all of HER messages, and erased all of mine. It’s now staring to become clear that they are really together. I have no hope.
I hung up the phone and started to cry in the coat area. I needed to speak to some one. I called my grandmother.
My grandmother is one of the most important people in my life. My grandmother took the place of my father when he didn’t want to be there anymore. I love my grandmother she has done many wonderful things for me. My grandmother has such a major influence in my life.

Whenever I’m feeling down, I know I can call her and I’ll feel much better.


“ Hello.” She said.
“Gangga, I feel like I’m dying. Why does life have to be so hard?” I call my grandmother Gangga, because when I was a baby, I could not pronounce grandma. So it stuck. Plus, she likes it. She said, it makes her sound young (smiling).
“What happen? Why you sound like that?”
“Life is too hard. (I started to cry) I need to get away. I want to runaway. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Just calm down. Are you at work?”
“Yes.” I said.
“Okay just calm down. When you get off of work, come to my house.”
She wasn’t saying anything that I wanted to hear. Honestly I didn’t know what I wanted to hear. I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away. This man has ruined me. The more I thought about Him, the more upset I got.
“Gangga let me go. I’ll see about stopping by. I have to go.”
“Wait, don’t do anything irrational.”

“I have to go.” I said.
“I love you.” She said.


I hung up the phone. I felt hopeless. I need to get out. I looked around and remembered I am at work. I can’t go anywhere. I need the money. I started to break down. All of a sudden I am spread out across the floor crying, crying my eyes out. I didn’t care who heard me. I couldn’t take it anymore. While I’m going through my moment, thoughts of suicide came to mind. I didn’t want to live on this earth anymore. I couldn’t live with Him being with Her.

I was just getting ready to get up and go to the bathroom to weigh my options of suicide. I opened my eyes and my co worker appeared. This was a sign from God.

He looked shocked. I never cried at work. I never showed any emotions. I always put up a brick wall. He hurried over to me and picked me up from the floor. I was still crying my eyes out. He didn’t ask me anything. I pleaded to him; “Why”. He said, and I will always remember this; “Baby girl, when it rains, it pours.” ( I’m starting to cry right now, typing this. My eyes are starting to get blurry. This is bringing back so many memories.)

I told him; “but it’s killing me. Look at me.” He sat me up on a chair and pushed my hair back. I asked him, “do you think I’m going to get better?” I looked so vulnerable. I never looked or felt like that in my life. He said, “ yes”.

I just stared at him. Hell, maybe if we were in a different environment, he may have gotten lucky with me, but that wouldn’t be the right thing. He wiped my tears and told me to get ready to go on the floor. I straighten out my uniform and went to work. But first I had to run back and give him the biggest hug that my arms could bare. I told him thank you and I walked off.
An hour went by and my supervisor informed my that I had a phone call on line one. I wondered who it could have been. I picked up the line.


“Thank you for holding.”
“Ray, what is going on?” My mother said.
“With what?”
“Gangga told me you want to run away, and you was also hinting suicide.” She said.
“What?” My grandmother is such a drama queen. I didn’t say that. She always blows things out proportion. “I didn’t say that, and so what if I did. I want everyone to leave me alone.” I started to cry.
“Ray I love you. Please don’t do this. I need you.”
“What about me. Does anyone care what I need?”
“Yes I care. Please don’t do this. I just got off the phone with a psychiatrist. They want to see you.” She said
“What. I can’t believe you. You think I’m crazy. You know what I’m not coming home. I want you to leave me alone.”
I heard crying on the other end. “I think you need help.”
“You know what mom, this conversation is over. I’m done” I said and hung up.
I can’t believe she would call a psychiatrist on me. Am I crazy? Shit come to think of it, yeah, for him.
I received a buzz again from my supervisor. She informed me that I have another phone call. I hope it is not my mother again.
“Thank you for holding.”
“What the hell are you doing?” He said. It was HIM.
“What are you talking about?”
“Your mother just called me cursing me out.
Oh my god. “What did she say?” I’m going to kill her.


“She said I’m making you go crazy. She said, you want to run away and commit suicide. She said if anything happened to her daughter it’s going to be my fault. She asked me, what I am telling you. She was going off.”
I couldn’t believe my mother, but at the same time, I’m her only child. I could understand. I realized that my actions are hurting my mother. Not only is this man hurting me, but it’s also hurting my family. Something in my head clicked. You know what that means.
“Look don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Worry about your fat ass woman. Now, you want to call me up and ask me what’s going on, the nerve. I hate you. I wish I never meant you. I wish I would’ve have cheated on you (Keyisha Cole). I wish you and your girl could disappear.” I said a couple more foul words. I was fuming. After I said what I had to say, I hung up the phone on him. Big improvement.





That's it guys. I had to stop there. Thank you.